I’ve been thinking a lot about what gets our knickers in a knot as parents when our kids are not doing what we ask (or even how we have asked them to do something). 

You know, that thing that they SHOULD know how to do. 

That thing that ALL their peers can do independently. 

That thing that if you mentioned to your group of friends that you are still having struggles with, they would look at you funny?

Yep, I’m sure at least one comes to mind. 

And our parent brain goes… it’s just not that hard. 

The thing is … that it is that hard. 

You are seeing your lid struggle to meet the expectation that you are setting. 

So, what do you do about it?

Yelling about it even more isn’t going to help.  I don’t know about you, but someone yelling at me doesn’t motivate me to do anything! In fact it makes me dig my heels in and want to do it less!

Do you just suck it up and do it yourself? Maybe. 

What we really need to do is get to the root issue… and it’s not always laziness like we think it is!!

The first thing to do is check your expectations. These can often be a real trip hazard.  What is the actual expectation that your kiddo isn’t meeting? Is it realistic for their skill set? Is it something that’s essential?

The second thing to consider is where does this expectation come from?
Does it come from your childhood? Does it come from fear of what this will mean they miss out on, or if they will be something in the future? Is this a societal norm, or is it something that doesn’t really matter that much in the big scheme of things?

The third thing is does this expectation change when I’m with other people? If you are with your parents, or the inlaws for example, do the expectations become higher, different, or lower? What’s that about?

Lastly, we consider if there are any underlying expectations that I haven’t considered.  Sometimes we have expectations that we haven’t even realised that we have them. Take the opportunity to dig deep and really think through whether this is the case. 

Now… we need to take a really hard look… What the REALITY of what’s going on? 

This is where we take the SHOULD classes off, and put on the REALITY glasses.  We look for what we are actually seeing, as opposed to what we expect to see.  

This might lead us to find that our kiddo is really struggling with being able to manage his time in the morning, as opposed to just ignoring you. 

Or that the kiddo who won’t do his chores as soon as he gets home is actually exhausted from a school environment that’s not set up for his neurodivergence.

Is this making sense?

These are the first steps in making a change with your challenging kiddo, and honestly, in your own mindset.  So much has to do with how we view the world, and where we need to see the world with the right set of glasses.